Parental Advice

I know some of you are parents and some of you aren't, but let me just dish out my little bit of disfunctional parenting advice.
Let's say you have a kid. Yeah for procreating. Let's say they can go over and see if their neighbor would like to come out and play. YEAH! Now here comes the whopping amount of assvice you're going to need:
TEACH YOUR KID TO RING THE DOORBELL ONCE. O.N.C.E.! ONCE ONCE ONCE ONCE ONCE!
Was that clear?
ONCE

Ok, now that we have that back under control. I come home from work, sans child. I proceed to go do, what I do, after work, everyday. It consists of me, a newspaper and, well, you get the drift. I kid you NOT my doorbell rang 15 TIMES!! I was almost about to hike up my skirt and just keep pooping in front of a horrifid child, but I refrained, because, that's not nice. Instead, I yelled that I was busy and to go away.
THEN, to my horror, it happened again!!!!! I sent her away again and in person with my "Honey, we hear the doorbell the first time you push it." smart ass comment. UGH!!!!
I need wine.

Friends

I like to think that I have many friends, and I do. When it comes to close friends, the kind that you'd hide bodies for and wave fake guns at stupid boyfriends for, well, I can probably count them on my fingers and have a few left over to stuff some loser cake in my mouth. I'm ok with that though. None of my close friends live down the street. I'm lucky one or two live in the same state! I love each of them dearly and would do anything for them, and I like to think they know that about me. I want to think that even though I don't call every week, or every 6 months for that matter, that they know I'm still here and would still go wherever they needed me to go or do whatever they needed me to do because they are worth that kind of loyalty from me.
My bestfriend got married this past weekend. My bestfriend that has known me the longest. The one who I battled cockroaches in her kitchen at 1am, ALL for a glass of orange juice, and won. The one whose picture I still have, smeared with blue cake icing, up on my desk. The one whose family always liked my "My family puts the "FUN" in dysFUNctional" statements. The one whose Dad changed my flats after my running into their brick barriers by their driveway, more than once. Mainly, the one that I wanted so badly to be with when her brother passed away 2 days after I left for Germany. There's more, but I guess y'all get the drift.
I love her dearly. I love her family dearly. She's married. I cried. I think I cried more than her Dad, but it's questionable. I cried because, well, her previous relationships have been less than stellar. This guy, however, was something to take notice of. I was happy she was happy. I was happy she found someone who will take care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of. I cried.
SO, to those of my lovely friends who sometimes don't realize how much I do love you and how often I do think of you, well, I do. Don't make me cry, damnit!
Here's my Kathleen.

Blah

First off, the barge, it is gone. I am sad. I never knew how much I would miss seeing that rusted out hull of a barge in the middle of a field until it was all gone and all that was left was a patch of dirt. Darn it! Maybe I should stick a "Bring back the Barge" sign beside their "NO ZONING" sign. Let's all take a moment to reflect and remember, The Barge. (IF it hadn't been located in the middle of a blind curve, I would have stopped to take a picture, but alas, not a safe idea and I'm pretty sure they have shotguns and I'm some part of government conspiracy person and I'd be shot)

So ladies and gentleman, I BOUGHT MYSELF A TAPERECORDER. This also makes me sad. I mean, here's my dilema. What am I going to bitch about now that I have said taperecorder and did NO ONE get the HINT about the taperecorder? While it's great I have it now, and I need to start using it for its purpose, it would be more meaningful if someone had taken the hint! That, or my husband just decided to go off and buy what he said he was going to buy me 4 years ago:) I digress! My husband told me to take it back because it didn't fill me with the joy that it should (I have no idea where those exact words came from, but again...) but I think I'll keep it. Y'all can now think of more fabulous things to get me. I have a watch and wedding dress I'd like. Take your time, email me, I'll describe in detail for you! :) There, I've whined. Let's move on......

The house is finished and complete! I'm ten shades of excited! Of course I can no longer complain about those stupid people we bought it from and all the stupid things they did to the house, anymore. They're all fixed and I have to say, it looks amazing! If you want pics, let me know and I'll email you.

I leave you with this question. Is watching a Shakira video the same as watching soft porn? I'm having a hard time finding the difference between the two! :)